BirdChat Series #3: Doubtful Bird (aka Jesus on the Beach)

Birdie: I think all this depiction about Jesus as unmanly guy with flimsy hands is just stupid, you know. It doesn’t make sense! He is a carpenter, for goodness sake.

Me: Yeah, something isn’t right about that. Carpentry is really tough. It is no job for a delicate and skinny man. Hmmm… So, either Jesus is  a lazy carpenter, or he lied about his profession! Haha… Or maybe they are all wrong.

Birdie: Don’t be crazy! Of course it’s the third one. Imagine if Jesus was frail and weak and he was walking on the beach. Then he met those 4 robust fishermen and said “Come and follow me”. Do you think they would bother following him? They would think he’s insane!

Me: Hahaha! Yea… A feminine guy asking them to follow him… (imagining what village boys in her home country would do to a sissy who passed by) Hahaha… They would beat him up!

Finally… Birdie and I agreed on something

———
There is no serious point or real lesson in this one

Hahaha…

BirdChat Series #2: Nudist Bird (aka the Bird who Threw Stones at the Snake)

Birdie: It’s that darned snake’s fault. If not because of him, I would be in Heaven now.

Me: It’s not his fault. It’s Adam’s. Who asked him to eat the damned fruit…

Birdie: No, it’s the snake’s. You know, the snake is Mr. Tan. (Birdie always calls Satan as SA Tan.) He’s the one who tempted Adam.

Me: Yea, but if he was strong enough to resist the temptation, all of these would never happen. Why do we always have to blame others for our wrongdoings? Remember, let he who is without sin throw the first stone. Stop throwing stones at the snake!

Birdie: I’m NOT! It’s really his fault!

Chrystal (an IB* who happened to pass by): I’m the snake… I’m a temptress…

Birdie: You are the snake? Well, thanks to you, I have to wear clothes now! (left abruptly)

Few minutes later…

(Ring from ext. 6557)

Birdie: You are crazy. Jesus hates the snake too. “Hate the sin, not the sinners.” Besides, it’s anatomically impossible for a bird to throw stones!

———
* Pronounced as “eeb”, Intelligent Bimbo, a title Chrystal gave herself.

BirdChat Series (Christianity on a Lighter Note): Adam’s Bird

My new workplace is not at all bad. One of the perks I got is to befriend some funny and intelligent girls to bitch with at lunchtimes. Isn’t it something to be grateful for?. Not everybody can make good friends (plus get free entertainment) in the office.

Among them is a girl I call Birdie. I think they broke the mold when they made her; she is one of a kind. She is random, hilarious (she prefers to be called witty ), and never failed to amuse me with her unusual thoughts and erm… unique sense of humor. We click well, we chat a lot and quarrel a lot. Sometimes our conversations are so bizarre (in a good way!) that I feel it’s a loss not to document them here. So that’s how I came out with this idea of BirdChat Series. I have confidence that Birdie and I will never run out of quirky dialogs that can at least trigger a smile on those who are able to appreciate. And mind you, it’s not all nonsense. There is serious point in every joke we make!

Let’s see if you can find one in the following:

Birdie: The only way to heaven is through Jesus. Eternal life. In heaven, Adam’s mansion would be highly guarded because people like me would like to ask him what he was thinking when he ate the fruit!

Me: Hahahah… There are many interpretations of “through Jesus”, you know. Although you may be right about Adam. That is IF he has a mansion.

Birdie: Let’s visit him then. Bring our gold plated forks too.

Me: You wanna stab him with forks?

Birdie: NO. I want to try the fruit in his house. I wonder what’s so good about it.

———
ps: The conversation has been edited and slightly exaggerated for grammatical correctness and more dramatic impact

The Second Love Letter to An Ex

The first letter was written HERE in April 2009.

(I keep coming back to you… I couldn’t bear being apart from you forever and I know this is going to be a never ending love affair.)

I go to the old town square, our favorite rendezvous. We used to talk for hours, walking along the forgotten buildings where they kept testimonies of our existence. We used to love them. We used to cry for them; for their end had been written by the hand of God. Nevertheless, we promised to revisit them again someday, to recite our fond memories to the crooked shafts and the peeling paint, hoping it could restore their prime…

But today all the doors are closed. You aren’t there.

So I walk around… A familiar scene.

The children of the sun are playing on the street outside an empty bar. Chalks and empty water bottles are their game. An exhausted coolie is leaning against an orange post box with his eyes closed. (Perhaps he is questioning reality.) Cheery teenagers are on bicycles, oblivious of what the world around them has gone into…

Near the monument, two friends are debating furiously. They argue about life. They discuss death. They laugh at sweet remembrances. They weep at impending apocalypses. They whisper love. They thrash out betrayal. And they are very very afraid. Not of anything but their own weak hearts. Hearts that change. Hearts that corrode. They part with a promise they aren’t sure to keep…

Then I see an old man who lives in the past taking pictures of passersby. You can see his frown as he concentrates. Click click click… His finger’s quick. With an old camera and a shade, he tries to make an epic.

I am too deeply amused by his routine to realize that he slowly turns to me. His smile widens. He bows, he points to the south. “You’ll find him there,” speak his wrinkly eyes.

I follow his glance. A small café, hidden among the orchards…

In the veranda you sit. I feel my heart skipping its beat. You’re there but not there. The afternoon sun and the breeze have made you so surreal. I try to feel your presence. Finally, here we are. Eye to eye, without words.

I see a pride of triumph in your eyes. Ah, Love… I, too, salute you. I understand how it’s like to go for a dream. I am acquainted with the euphoria of getting it just within our grasp. What good is there in a dream fulfilled when the true meaning lies in the toil itself? A dream is made of the hope it brings. And that’s just exactly what you’ve won, a little hope for a better tomorrow.

But both you and I know that there are a lot more to do. More to fight for. There is a battle we have to endure till our last breath. And dear God, it’s one battle we don’t wish to fight. We have the will. But will is a curse that knows no rest. It chains you up even when you yearn to let go.

We quaver… We ponder…

“After all, life is a pursuit…” sigh I at last. And the universe nods in unison. In silence, we reaffirm each other. We inspire each other.

Then we just sit there… Eye to eye, without words.

Language doesn’t seem to be necessary. We don’t need it, do we? Because your eyes are my eyes. Your hand caressing my skin is my hand. And your heart is my heart, struggling to be free…

———
Another souvenir from the journey to the Southeast

You Know It’s Chemistry if after 7 Years of Relationship the Conversation Goes Like This…

You: “Do you know what my weirdest dream is? It’s about a bird. We were moving house, and I was packing stuffs into a cardboard box when a bird suddenly flew by (literally).  Then the dumb bird landed INSIDE the box. I was too rushed to be bothered about it, so I just closed the box and taped it.

I totally forgot about the bird until it’s time to unpack. And I was terrified. I was afraid that the bird would go mad and take its vengeance on me when I opened the box. So I asked my brother to open it for me while I hid somewhere else. He did what I told him to. But when the bird flew off the box, it still looked for me! It found me, and I ran away. Unfortunately, I was too slow, so the revengeful bird was able to catch me. It began to peck my butt, yes MY BUTT, in the middle! while I kept running like a madwoman. That’s when I woke up… Well, I think it’s a premonition. A few days after that dream, some birds flew into the kitchen, trying to steal some omelette!

What’s your weirdest dream?”

Partner: “Mmm… I think it’s about me being dead. I was gonna be executed. So I spent the night at my cold damp cell. And the long painful process started. I had my last meal, I was asked about my last wish… you know, all the protocols. I felt depressed. Then the execution day came. It was noon, and I was going to be shot. The worst thing is that THAT’s when my dream started to move in slow motion. I saw the bullet came slowly, getting nearer and nearer. Then it sank into my chest… I felt the pain as it got deeper and deeper… Until I finally died, phew… I think after that my dream started to get confused, because who knows what happen after you’re dead, right? So I woke up.”

You: “Wow… You made my bird dream sound lame…”

Then you both laughed about it.

———
Based on true story

Friday Night and Marriage (Part 3) aka Why I Freak Out

(Click the followings for Part 1 and Part 2.)

Nothing really changed since the last time I wrote about this. I still think marriage is overrated. I still don’t put too much trust in it. What’s different now is that I may get married next year. *gasp*

I received many different reactions when I told my friends about this. The majority congratulated me (I’m not sure what for, but thanks, I guess? ), two said they are heartbroken (Of course they don’t mean it. But I’m flattered, nonetheless ). But the worst best reaction so far is from my M*****n friend. Sir, I may be out of my mind, but I’m NOT pregnant! (At least not that I know of. Don’t tell me I took those damned morning after pills for nothing, hahahah…)

OK, so I’m not pregnant, I’m not afraid of being called an old maid despite of turning 27 last August, I don’t want kids yet, I don’t envy my married friends… Then what on earth makes me even think about entertaining such an abominable idea, practicing a cheap hypocrisy?

Mmm… I don’t know… Probably because I want my chance of becoming a philosopher? Hahahah… (Hint: Socrates advised us to get married. He said, “If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher“. A win-win situation, no? ) But let’s first keep my reasons aside for a more important issue here: the fact that I freak out. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not about whom I may marry. The problem lies with me. Because (I gladly admit that) I’m such an egoistic bitch, hahahah…

Well, there are many things that cause this bitch to turn cold feet, but all probably rooted from my own perspective about marriage. All this while, I was convinced that marriage doesn’t change anything. It won’t make you be more faithful to your partner; it won’t automatically improve your relationship… Nothing’s gonna change. If your relationship is hanging by a thread, marriage will leave it on that state, if not bring it down faster. Many people are just enchanted by its illusion of magic and romance. That’s, after all, why I think marriage is overrated. Because I was sure it’s only a sheet of paper. But now that I’m faced with the real thing, it turns out to be one fucking sheet of paper! A darned piece of paper that signifies your status change and forces you to move on to your next stage of life. And I’m not ready for it in so many ways.

First of all, seeing most of my married (and bride-to-be) friends makes me worry. Now that many of my girl friends fall in that category, wedding, marriage, and babies are the hottest topics for a girls’ night out. And I don’t really enjoy it. As you may have known, I’m not a girl who would fancy gowns, diamond rings, good wedding dates, or marriage proposals. In fact, the proposal business kinda ticked me off. I don’t understand why girls are so obsessed with engagement rings and their men going down on one knee. When asked whether my partner proposed and how, my answer is always “I’m not into that kind of shit”. And it’s true. What’s wrong with a simple mutual understanding? We are adults, for goodness sake. But yeah, it makes me a little sad how most catch-up sessions with the girls nowadays only had me end up wondering where the good old witty and intelligent conversations go…

If you think my worst nightmare is seeing brides-to-be and newlyweds, you’re wrong. It is actually seeing mommies. Why, I saw a lot of girls lost their identity once they have children. It seems that their whole world is now only about their kids. And it’s horrifying to see how they slowly give up their individuality. Up to the point where they even prefer to identify themselves as “XXX (their kid’s name)’s Mom” above anything else. And their hobbies become cooking and comparing their kids’ stats. Their purpose of life is to bake some stupid cake for some stupid events. Isn’t it scary how they pathetically lose themselves?

But witnessing all these, I feel not only annoyance or discontent. Deep down, I am actually scared. Knowing myself and my weaknesses, I am frightened that one day I will be like one of the girls I despise. The real reason why I get so bothered is because I’m afraid I will let myself get dragged into being somebody I don’t want to be. You may think I’m irrational. How can you be so insane to turn into somebody you hate, right? But I know better. With so much going on around you, it is not impossible to lose yourself and get lured into life you don’t really want. And I am very very afraid of that. After all, the bitch is a chicken, hehe…

To make matters worse for this chicken, the society where I live in has certain expectations for married people. Like I have implied earlier, after marriage, you are expected to start thinking about having your own family. I always love kids, but now I somehow dread the idea of having them. Again, it’s about my fucking ego. If you see the tag cloud on the bottom right corner of this blog, you may realize I have quite a number of posts tagged with “twisted thinking”. And I love seeing more and more entries going into that group. In short, I love myself now. I don’t want to change. The question is, can I afford staying like this if I am to raise a good kid? Can I still be a skeptic to my own religion? Can I still mock superficiality? Can I still wonder why I should care about another human being? I may have to start thinking like a normal person. And I fear that possibility. But most of all, I fear the possibility that if one day it does happen, I actually feel OK about myself changing. (I’m too complicated, aren’t I?)

Last but definitely not least, I freak out because of the classic feeling of no accomplishment. I have yet to get a book published under my name. I haven’t managed to get a single painting done. (The stupid hospital T-shirt design competition doesn’t count.) No violin mastered. No lives saved. No whatsoever world dominated. I haven’t even been to Frida Kahlo Museum, my one dream place. With none of those, what have I achieved? What impact have I made? None. Zilch. It’s sad, isn’t it? That’s why the idea of being led to the next stage of life to become real adult is terrifying for me… “And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because… I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.” (Before Sunrise)

——–
ps: Marriage will also get me confused. I really hate the word “hubby”. I can’t take it; it’s too cutesy and sickeningly girlie. “Husband” is too formal, “spouse” too general, and my favorite word “partner” now has gay connotation. What would I call that poor guy?

pps: I had a very hard time breaking this news of possible marriage to a certain friend. And I had been thinking why; what makes this person different. Now I figured. This friend is very dear to me, and we had talked about this topic previously and shared similar views. So telling this comrade I may get married is like confessing to some form of betrayal. But at the end, I did tell. Because I know it’s the right thing to do…

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

The Infidel! (aka Questioning My Spirituality)

I’ve been questioning my spirituality lately. Many of you may have known that I’m officially a Catholic. But as a few have understood, if what I truly believe becomes the standard of Catholicism, the Church may not even survive another year I used to call my view skeptical oversimplified Christianity, but I never really explain what it means. The constant readers may have read “About God…” (Part 1, Part 2), but frankly those old posts do not cover much (other than me bitching around, hehe…). So let me now try to explain a few essentials, interview style

• Do you believe in God?

Yes, I do. In the sense, I believe there is one higher being that created the universe and everything in it. But on what form this ‘God’ takes, I have to admit I totally have no idea. Whether he takes a human form (some believe humans are God’s own image, literally) or  a great ball of fire, I’m not particularly interested. There are many more pressing questions about him other than what he looks like!

• Such as? On why he created men?
  

Yes. Well, this is a complex matter. I try hard to believe that God created men out of his love, like what most faithfuls would agree. And they say we humans cannot comprehend God’s love. They are right. I, for one, cannot understand the correlation between love and creation. Something has to exist first before you can love it, no? That’s why sometimes I am tempted to think that God created men because he has nothing else to do, hahah… He was alone at the beginning of time; it’s understandable that he felt bored. And when you are bored, you get creative! Anyway, it doesn’t matter why he created us, really. We’re here already, whether we like it or not.

• Why do bad things happen to good people? They seem to lead more turbulent lives.
  

Because God loves them! When you love your toys you play with them, don’t you? I don’t say we are God’s toys, but the same logic applies Hahah… No, seriously, I think it has something to do with human free will.

• What’s with human free will?

I believe humans are given free will, although I don’t object that only with God’s will things can happen. How is it possible? One thing about God to me is that he gives THAT much freedom to men that he let them run this world without much of his intervention. In other words, he is ALWAYS willing. Consequently, humans are responsible for their own doing and for what happen in their life. It’s time to grow up, people. You can’t always turn to God in despair and anger when life doesn’t give you lemons!

• Is there any afterlife?

Ah… The question of heaven and hell. This concept scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. My English course teacher back then was a hardcore Christian, and she showed us a story written by somebody who was supposed to have visited hell with Jesus and come back. (What a madness, right?) I assure you, I had many sleepless nights after I read that! I was very afraid that I would go to hell, and prayed hard Jesus would not be so kind to take me to a hellish tour! Wow, we’ll all be surprised by how many kids those religious fanatics have traumatized Anyway, I believe in some kind of afterlife, although not reincarnation. (Sorry, but the idea of past/future lives does not make sense to me. There is only one life on earth, here and now.) But honestly, I think we should not spend too much time thinking about afterlife. Too much heaven on your mind can do you no good. In fact, the world will be a much better place if people forget about heaven and just do good because it is good. Seriously.

• What’s your view on faith?
  

I despise blind faith. I strongly believe that God created humans with brain for a reason: for us to use it! Optimally! I think it’s wrong to do things just because you are told so. Many view faith as something unquestionable, but to me doubt is an inseparable part of faith. To truly have faith, you have to doubt first. You have to challenge your faith; constantly beat it with questions as far as your intelligence allows. If it still prevails, then it’s really yours. Faith without substance is very dangerous. At worst, it leads to extremism and bloodshed. At best, it is an opium people will turn to to escape their real problems.

• So what’s the essence of religion?
  

I believe love is the ultimate commandment all religions (should) preach. Love your neighbors, that is. It’s that simple. It’s that easy DIFFICULT. (That’s why I am very infuriated when people try to hinder love because of religious differences. What a nonsense.) Many people say they love God. To me, it sounds a bit strange. I think it’s safe to say that I have been in love before. And I know how difficult it is to really love a person. How can I claim that I LOVE God, whom I can’t see and touch, whose expectations of me are all high and noble, when in loving a human of flesh and blood I still sometimes fail? Love is not just a feeling. There is a huge responsibility attached to it. And how do you exactly love God other than loving his creations? Praying? Praising and worshiping? Maybe. But those things are just practices that can help you prepare yourself for your mission in the real world. Excessive amount of those is self indulgence and procrastination.

• Whew… You surely talk a lot. Even on unrelated topics too OK, last but not least, the ultimate question: what is the meaning of life?

This is probably why these days I can’t say confidently that I am still a Christian. Not even a skeptical and oversimplified one. Alright… I believe everyone has the right to decide their own purpose of life. There is a story about Kumbakarna from the Ramayana epic that illustrates my view pretty well. It is said that after Kumbakarna died, his soul cannot enter Heaven NOT because he fought for Alengka (and Rahwana, for that matter), but because he was unsure that he had done the right thing by defending his country despite of knowing its vices. Life is not black and white. Its meaning lies on fighting for what’s important to you, on walking the path you choose. You yourself have to know the significance of your existence. And if you stay true to what you believe and live it without fail, I think whatever waits at the end of your journey will be worthwhile.

———-
ps: So, what do all those make me? They are not  even close to Christianity, eh? Hmm… Probably I should just form a new religion. It’s a MASSIVE money maker! Hahahaha… *evil laugh*

My Muse is an Evil Spirit (Bye Bye Muse…)

I always find myself asking why. Why is human very complicated? Why is LIFE complicated? Why can’t I manage my expectations? Why can’t I have control over feelings? Why does it break my heart? Why does it make me sad? Why can’t I let go? Why why why…

Then I get frustrated for not being able to come out with a satisfying answer for each of my why. And I begin to ask why I think too much. There you go, a vicious circle.

If I just stop questioning the why and start asking how, probably life will become much easier. Dumb, but easy. My call.