My Muse is an Evil Spirit (Bye Bye Muse…)

I always find myself asking why. Why is human very complicated? Why is LIFE complicated? Why can’t I manage my expectations? Why can’t I have control over feelings? Why does it break my heart? Why does it make me sad? Why can’t I let go? Why why why…

Then I get frustrated for not being able to come out with a satisfying answer for each of my why. And I begin to ask why I think too much. There you go, a vicious circle.

If I just stop questioning the why and start asking how, probably life will become much easier. Dumb, but easy. My call.

Major Turn Ons

I was reading my drafts in frustration (for not having the energy to write anything these days as well as for the previous post which, after I reread it for the tenth time or so, makes me sound like a fucking preacher) when I came upon this one: a list of lines a man can say to turn me on! Hahahah… I can’t remember what exactly made me do this; probably it was one of the ovulation days gone bad. But it is funny, and it does sum up what kind of guys I really like. So I think it is not too wrong to share it here and have some laugh

Disclaimer: You have to control your imagination when reading this. If you picture a pretty boy or a prince charming saying the lines, it wouldn’t work. For a guideline on the physical aspect of my kind of guys, please refer to THIS ENTRY.

First of all, I like guys who are decisive, taking control and direct. I am a dominating person by nature, so I would enjoy being dominated once in a while

• “I like you. There… I have to say it.”
• (when I want to pursue something worthwhile but it seems impossible) “Do you still want it? I’ll make it happen.”
• (when my relationship with him is unapproved) “You’re more than worth fighting for.”, and “If I can marry you at this instance, I will.”
• (when I am miserable) “I wouldn’t care if it’s other people. But it’s you.”

There probably are no guys that I despise more than womanizers and those who are fully aware of their good looks and show it in their actions (be careful boys, we can see it!). But when some kind of relationship between a man and me has been established, he is even more desirable if he is confident, witty and (to a certain extent) daring .

• “You like me. You can’t help it.”
• “Stop thinking about me!” (again, a man giving orders is rather irresistible )
• “What can go wrong between two people that like each other?”
• “It’s dangerous to get addicted to you.”
• “I’m sure I’ll be a good father.” (I’ll marry a guy for this line!)

Beauty is only skin deep. What inside a man is what define him. That’s why I like a thinker, someone who has his own view and isn’t afraid to speak it no matter how controversial it is. Naturally, I adore guys who can make me think. Intriguing men are sexy!

• “Do whatever it takes to be good with the other person without thinking about what’s going on or what will happen.”
• “There’s no age for romance.”
• (when I tell him not to disturb my peaceful life) “You’re still young, why do you want a peaceful life?”
• “You have all your life to learn.” (and I’ll answer, “Unless I die tomorrow.” )
• (about fighting for a greater cause) “We strive toward a larger goal. Our little lives don’t count at all.”
• (when I say I don”t want to be in politics because it is too dirty) “If everybody gives up being politicians, see our country! Only idiots become politicians!”

But don’t mistake me with someone who is all serious. I do love guys who have good sense of humor and can make fun of himself.

• “Natural is better. It’s scary to wake up staring at somebody that looks completely different from the day before when she’s with make up!”
• “Looking at photos depresses me. It reminds me that I’m not handsome!”
  

Last but not least, when a guy is shy and he says it, he just makes me want him more! Hahahah…

• “I’m shy.”

———-
And guess what is the sexiest song lyrics for me. Alice Cooper’s Poison: “I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name”!!! Ooo… Maybe I’m a little masochistic

“We strive toward a larger goal. Our little lives don’t count at all.”

In Crisis We Trust

If there is one thing certain in this world, my friends, it is that crisis will strike from time to time. I don’t know why the world is designed in such a way. If there is God, he surely has an odd sense of humor.

I stared at the newspaper in disbelief after reading an article about the killing flu sometime ago. Not because of the disease itself; it had caused so much buzz in my workplace that I had thought of it as a coffee companion. What saddened me is that it had infected at least two infants and had taken the life of one. I know that was nothing new. Everyday children are dying from any sorts of reasons you can think of. But isn’t it funny how a case or two sometimes strike us more than the others? And to me, it is even more interesting to see that how it is in this kind of situation human nature is truly revealed.

It was depressing that the news didn’t mention anything about how people sympathized with these victims or their family. No, nobody talked about how heartbreaking it was to lose innocent souls. What’s highlighted was how sad Edgar Hernandez’s mother felt because some people started condemning her son as if he was responsible for the calamity. It seemed people actually hated him for surviving the disease. I wasn’t very surprised, although there was some “what the fuck?” moment.

It always amazed me how people always choose the easy way out when faced with difficult situations. A new disease breaks out, and no, it doesn’t really matter how we should support each other to overcome the crisis. That can wait. Let’s FIRST find out who started this. Let’s blame somebody. Let’s curse the some people for spreading the virus. (No, we don’t care that they might be the first to contract the disease because they are too poor to have decent standard of living.) Why? Because it’s the easiest thing to do! We are too used to taking the easy way out in life that it has been part of our nature. Aren’t some of us focus so hard on our religion’s ritual only because the essence is just too damned hard to follow?

Well, I guess the recent crisis has unnecessarily distraught me more than it  really should. However, thanks to my unhealthy thinking habit, it also had taught me and made me reflect a lot. It made me look at certain things that might not even pass through my mind during normal circumstances. Such as how depressingly materialistic and apathetic human has become these days. In Mexico, a man cried, “It is easy to close the shop. But what shall we eat?”. Here on the brighter side of the earth, some men with full bellies enslave themselves for more money, ready to sacrifice even their humanity. And no, still no empathy for the less fortunate. I can’t see, my friends, why you’re not depressed.

Ah, if only the meek will really inherit the earth…

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I know this is not a good entry. I myself hate some of what I wrote in those hideous paragraphs. And I actually have much more to share. But I have too many randomly related things on my mind and I am desperate to write something. On a lighter note, I have replenished my Corona supply =)

A Love Letter to An Ex

I always loved you. I still do. It’s true that I have left you for another, but truth be told, I even still remember that fateful day. It is still vivid in my mind like it only happened yesterday. That happy day. The day we fell in love.

When I first professed my love to you, people mocked me. “We don’t understand,” they said, “how possibly did you become like this? You will regret this. He’s got nothing for you. He is not even capable of loving you back. To him, you are and forever will be a stranger. A subject to use and throw away when no longer needed. He will only hurt you.”

But I persisted. I knew you had reasons for everything. You were angry, you were sad. You were disappointed and you couldn’t think straight. But I knew you would love me back, if only I showed you how my love was not like others’. I did not love you for what you could give me. I did not love you for what worldly happiness I may get. I love you because I don’t know how not to.

And we swam in the ocean of our love. A love so young, so wild; it knew no pretenses. It was raw, it was selfish. It was burning as fire, it was giving as water. It commanded our every way. But it was also so pure and innocent that even gods looked at us in envy. Such a love is dangerous, they said. I was young; I should go and see the world. I just laughed at them. I didn’t want the world. I wanted only you.

Perhaps it was gods; or perhaps it was fate that played a cruel trick on us. We had to be apart. I was heartbroken. (Weren’t you too?) But even in tears, I tried to be faithful. I kept your image dearly. I ignored everything else that came by. For four long years, only the thought of you made me want to go on. It made me want to survive.

They say people never change. But time did make you change. It made ME change. Our little brief encounters were not the same anymore. The romance faded, the flame dimmed. I tried to remind myself of all the things I loved about you, about those days. Those happy days. But as much as I wanted to deceive myself with those fond memories, you slowly walked away. You are not the same as the one I had always loved. I couldn’t find comfort in you. I couldn’t see myself in you. We were two silent lovers, eager to go but too sad to leave. So with tears I said goodbye.

…..

Now after some long years, I come back to you. I come without expectations, a mindless journey of a confused traveler.

You put on your best suit. Then with words as sweet as honey you entices me. With old time intimacy you seduces me. It is as if you can look through my weak heart. Isn’t it cruel of you, knowing that I’m now with someone new?

I take my time, I try to resist. But dear God, how can I neglect such beauty? Hesitantly I look around. I see how you aged. And what a magnificent view it is. Past glory and hope are racing, impatiently forming those fine lines above your brows. History and love stories are entwining, boasting a certain intricate display. I stare at it, I trace it. I was there, I realize. And whether I like it or not, it had been made permanent.

Then I see your kids. Naked, they swim and dance in your flowing river. They jump, they sing, they wave and they shout my name. They have almost nothing to eat and wear, but they have more joy than all money in the world can buy. They are children of the sun. They are children of the wind. They are free.

In the bliss, I breathe deeply, inhaling your air. It smells fresh, but I sense something decaying. It is a familiar taste: a hint of false warmth, a dose of vanity, and a large mixture of bigotry. I stop to find the source of these unpleasantries. Then I look at your people. Oh, what a great masquerade they play. Washing their lips with holy words, pretending it is devotion. Gods are mentioned in every conversation. Phony worships are offered, as if bribery makes sanctity. In all those things they hide their fear of heaven.

I laugh bitterly. I comprehend. This is the grown-up you. This is what grew in you after we are separated. This is what then defined you. The you that I hated and made me call it quits. So why is what I feel now sadness, not disgust?

I contemplate. I walk on your streets, I sleep in your forests. I talk to your river, I ask your leafy trees. I fondle your flowers, I befriend your land. I finally find my answer.

I love you because you make life seems so simple. You make me feel that what I have done and what I have struggled for means nothing more than just a speck of dust in this universe. This is probably what I need. To understand my existence. To have a reason. To be humble. And only you can teach me that. With your burden, your sorrow, your hope and dreams…

But now it is all too late. I am with someone else, and this time I have made a promise. A promise I can’t take back. A promise I will fulfill. I must return, and again must say goodbye. I know you won’t cry. For you know that you will always be in my heart. And our love is eternal.

———
A souvenir from the journey to the Southeast

The Most Serious Stuff I Wrote since Like… Almost 4 Years Ago?

One of the most pressing healthcare issues in Singapore is that to most Singaporeans it still seems costly. This is not surprising, judging from the size of medical bill one has to pay for a simple illness such as influenza. In private clinics, people easily spend an average of SGD40 for a common cold consultation fee and medicine. The figure will even rise exponentially when surgery and hospitalization come into the picture. While lower cost alternatives like government clinics are available, other external factors, such as limited availability combined with very high demands, sometimes limit the options when choosing preferred healthcare providers.

Is this a sign that the general perception of expensive Singapore healthcare is true? Not necessarily. Singapore, with its well acclaimed healthcare financing mechanism that emphasizes on individual responsibility as well as community support, has done a very good job in making healthcare accessible for most, if not all, Singapore citizens and permanent residents. Catastrophic situations, especially those related to healthcare financing, do hit hard because many still do not make the most benefits out of the existing system, whose primary objective is actually to help them reduce the strain on their finances when disasters happen. It is really unfortunate if some people cannot get proper medical treatment only because they never put healthcare matters as something important enough to take care of thoroughly.

There are several reasons why Singaporeans and permanent residents tend to procrastinate to get their healthcare financial plan set and done. To begin with, despite of various public campaigns, many still do not truly understand what is covered and what is not in their compulsory Medisave scheme. This lack of knowledge can give a false sense of security. One easily assumes that Medisave will be enough to cover most of the healthcare costs should the needs arise, while that is not the case. Applying for Medishield, not to mention other integrated plans, is never considered a vital necessity. Private medical insurance is deemed a luxury.

This condition is worsened by the fact that sufficient information is not that easy to access after all. Materials to help better understand the framework and guidelines on how to get optimum medical coverage are still not to be found at most public places. Many government and private websites offer detailed knowledge about this matter, but even internet savvies are expected to need further assistance to choose and proceed with the most suitable healthcare plan for their individual needs.

The ones who possess the most comprehensive information and are able to help Singapore residents to plan their healthcare finances are most probably private health insurance companies. But there is a slight problem with this. In general, people are still quite reluctant to approach insurance agents or companies. There is little trust that the financial institutions will place the clients’ interest ahead of their own. Moreover, many are dreaded with the possibility of facing hard selling, which can be an inconvenient and even traumatizing experience.

So here we can see that even though the government has done a very good job in encouraging people to help themselves make healthcare more inexpensive, there are still opportunities to improve on the situation. When we narrow down the scope to what healthcare institutions such as hospitals and clinics can contribute, I believe their active participation is crucial to support the government’s move to debunk the myth surrounding pricey healthcare.

To understand this further, let us first try to do a little analysis on human nature. It is a reasonable assumption that people will most likely think about their long term health issues when there are some health related matters happening on their lives. Whether they are going to a clinic for a simple cough treatment or visiting a friend who has just undergone a surgery in a hospital, people let the concept of how important a comprehensive health plan is sink in deeper when they are in healthcare premises. It is then they have time to think about whether they have done their best to stay healthy, or whether their current health insurance is enough to cover should any sudden severe illnesses strike. Wouldn’t it be very helpful if right at that instant they can get as much information and help needed to take the next necessary steps without further delay?

There are at least two ways for healthcare institutions to take advantage of this phenomenon and assume an active role in helping the people help themselves: through education and facilitation.

Educating Singaporeans and permanent residents on how Singapore healthcare system works and the options they have to better manage their finances is essential to get them make healthcare more affordable for themselves in the long run. This can be done through an advertising campaign. If placed in the right locations, such as on a clinic waiting room, simple educational printed media like posters and leaflets are proven quite effective. A video presentation flashing on the TV screen can also be considered as a more direct approach. While waiting for their names to be called, patients will have an opportunity to make use of the time elapsed to catch some information-packed promotional materials.

On the other hand, facilitation here means making the help people need conveniently available. For instance, to promote better understanding for various products that can help Singaporeans and permanent residents in the case of major illnesses, hospitals can collaborate with healthcare insurance companies to set up an information center in the lobbies. Healthcare officers that are well versed in Singapore healthcare system and equipped with good knowledge on different products offered by a range of insurance companies can be made available there to give real time assistance to patients as well as their family and friends. This kind of program will have a higher success rate, because healthcare officers and institutions are seen as a more neutral party. People will have less resistance to come, talk, and dig necessary information from them.

Above are only two of the many things we can do to make Singaporeans capable of helping themselves using the available structure and resources. I am sure more ideas can be brainstormed and put into action. The main goal is to show and convince people that healthcare in Singapore is truly accessible and affordable for everyone, if only they know how to make the most of the system. Indeed, it is ultimately individuals’ responsibility to take care of their own health and finances. However, there are no reasons why we cannot help, making Singapore an even better place to live.

Not Just Yak Yak Yak…

I watched the movie Before Sunset this afternoon. The film touched me so much that I felt writing down what’s on my mind is somewhat an obligation. And since Uncle Stevie advised that one of the Great Commandments of becoming a good writer is to practice it, I figured this short and impulsive entry would do no harm.

I like to talk. If you know me well, I’m that kind of person who always feels the need to come out with something to say during a nice lunch gathering or even a supposedly quiet dinner at home. I don’t have much trouble talking to new people either. Being in a large (figuratively, not literally) melting pot, for example, I can always throw in a “Oh, I’ve never met a Srilankan (or Bruneian, or Pakistani, you choose) before” whenever I meet a stranger. (In fact that’s exactly what I said when I met a male nurse on the bus from Gleneagles hospital sometime last week!) The conversation can go from there. Why, in my humble home country small talks are like oxygen; you can’t live without them.

This makes me wonder, though. If I am that good in talking to people, why was communication a factor causing my previous relationship to fail? Sorry, I was lying. It didn’t really make me wonder. It’s easy. Because I can’t stand talking crap. Ooo, that sounds harsh… But it’s true. One or two occasions talking about how dreadful your roommate’s hygiene is is fine, but continuously? You better find a cleaning lady as a girlfriend, mister.

Of course one’s poison is another’s medicine. Many girls, for instance, would be more than joyful to listen to their boyfriends talking about the details on how the glorious volleyball game went, how they scored most for the team, or how difficult the final exams were, and how proud they are to get A for all of them. Many girls would gladly cheer “Oh, that’s so cool… You are the best!”, but that’s certainly not me. For one thing, I can’t respect people who glorify educational transcripts. Secondly, all the details about such trivial matters such as a sport game bore me to death. If only they say, “The game went well, we won. But you know, sometimes I wonder why we focus so much on winning. If people just try to concentrate a little more on the process, not the outcome, I think the world would not be in such a mess.” I can guarantee they will not sleep on the couch that night.

So you get the clue. To many, my ideas of stimulating conversations will seem absurd or even pointless. “Why the heck does this girl have to go on and on about whether or not humans are really granted free will? Does it help to pay the bill? Come on girl, just tell me how your day was like any normal people or just shut the fuck up.” Hahah… I can imagine some guys really had those lines in their mind when they talked to me. And guess what, I’m not sad at all. Because I have found one or two that find my traits entertaining. Probably this is what they meant by connection. Or chemistry.

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ps: If you have no idea what’s the relevance of Before Sunset to this yak, go watch it!
pss: To my beloved Raine, I have to apologize for degrading Before Sunrise in one of my comments before (if you remember). It IS a nice and believable movie

O Captain! My Captain! Regrets, I Have A Few…

Yes, I’m taking advantage of the university-student-committing-suicide-after-stabbing-his-professor hype to do some writing practice. It has been quite a topic for these past few days, and it has caused such a commotion in Singapore, my humble home country, probably the whole Asia. But I’m not really interested in talking about the details of the tragedy or the series of events leading to this boy’s bad decision. I’m more intrigued to speculate about the bigger picture, about how his mental state was conditioned by, maybe more than he himself knew, things far greater and older than the 200-hectare campus.

When I heard the news, the first thing that came into mind is the memories I had about that place (yes, I am an alumna). Academically, it was probably the worst four years of my life. Everything seemed wrong then. The curriculum was impossible, the pace was too fast, the lecturers had too poor of spoken English… It was a cold place. I didn’t feel any connection or even the slightest sense of belonging to the alma mater, and I didn’t see any effort from the school to fix this either. To make it worse, I studied engineering, which was not really of my interest. If those four years had taught me anything, it was to NEVER overestimate yourself by doing something you can’t have passion for. It was torturing. Really, if not because of the amazing friends I made and the activities I joined, I would probably be depressed too. And while I might not make it to the front page news like the boy did, I would most certainly do something stupid that could bring shame to either myself or my family.

The next thing that stirred my mind about this incident was how it much reminds me of the film Dead Poets Society. Why did Neil Perry kill himself? Many may think it was insanity. But if we try to follow his way of thinking, it’s actually not so hard to understand. You’ll be surprised how the idea of suicide has now and then fascinated many more, including yours truly. When you are young and full of ideals, Thoreau’s quote “To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.” might be very easily misinterpreted as to might just as well die when you discover you can’t really live anymore. Or even worse: let’s end life when it is truly life, for what come afterwards are no more than death. Does it make sense? If it doesn’t, does it at least kinda make you wonder why the twisted thinking?

In fact, the idea of sacrificing one’s life for “greater good” (bear in mind that this term is very very subjective) is not new at all. People have long been obsessed with martyrdom. Remember how Greek heroes always chose glory over wealth and long life? (Only that dumb Paris chose a woman instead ) That’s the start. Who knows what thousands of years can do for an idea to get internalized, in both good and bad ways. But seeing how human race, with all its exponentially increasing materialistic standards and expectations, had made the world become more and more difficult to live in, it’s practically easy to twist any good ideas into something uglier. After all, people always prefer an easy way out.

Eric Idle said we always have to look on the bright side of life. Well, if you apply the same mentality to view the tragic episode of the university killing, it is indeed not so bad after all. It was like a wake up call. Now more than ever, the public was made realized that what had been practiced all this while behind the gates of educational institutions is far from perfect. Structured support systems were then created, discussions were engaged, and most importantly, everybody is trying to reflect on what happened and efforts to prevent such thing from happening again have become priority. Isn’t it as if the poor young man died as a… martyr?

I’m not at all saying what happened is, although not shocking, tolerable. Whatever the excuses, life is too precious to be thrown away. No matter how I sometimes regret to spend four years of my youth studying things that I couldn’t care less, I’m still grateful I could go through it alive. Because the powerful play goes on and I may contribute a verse. It’s true that the world is becoming more and more hostile. It’s true that living a worthful life seems like a foolish dream. But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It’s not yet time for us to give up hope. My advice is, as worthless as it is, try to be a little masochistic. Then you’ll find that life is sweet

25 Random Things, About (aka What Makes A Good Writer)

There is an interesting phenomenon in the virtual world I observed these days. As somebody who counts on technology to keep in touch with her old mates but not geeky enough to keep up with it and be the pioneer in inventing new ways, I check my Facebook at least once a day. Lately, unusually high “Note” posts bombarded my News Feed. Apparently a LOT of my friends wrote similar notes to what I have written before, a supposedly “25 random things about myself“.

This is quite amazing to me. Not only because I’m a rather constant hungry reader and always love to read about people, but also because I never knew these people have such talent. Some of the stuffs I read were really good that I found myself amused reading them to the end. It seemed as if a lot of promising writers suddenly emerged, when I’m pretty convinced some of them have never written anything before, maybe except project reports. And as a big time nerd, while the trend made me happy, it also forced me to think WHY.

These are some of what I have in mind:

• People love to talk about themselves. There is always a narcissistic side of us. We are fond of attention, we take pleasure from recalling and retelling stories about ourselves. And guess what. People LOVE controversy. That’s why we write 1 or 2 things about what others least expected from us. (Yeap, that includes me )
• Writing random things is easier than creating a composition that has to have a start, an end, and a plot. It tends to be more fun too, for both the writer and the reader, because of the freshness and variety it offers. Unfortunately, writing this kind of stuff can’t really make money, unless you are already a big shot.
  
• To produce a good article/story, we have to believe in whatever we write, even when it is the most ridiculous thing we have ever come up with. That’s why we are much better when writing about ourselves. Because it is believable.
• What makes a good writer? Talent may be one, but it has been proven wrong in many occasions. And as Edison said, genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. It all comes down to hard work and commitment. So for those of you aspiring to be a writer, it may not be impossible after all. Just start.
  

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ps: Yeah, I write this more for myself than anyone else