June. How are Those New Year’s Resolutions Coming Along?

Time flies—as usual, faster than I think it should. It’s June, which is technically midyear. And if you had been reading my posts (in particular this one), you would know that midyear is an important checkpoint for my New Year’s resolutions. In other words, now is the proper time for a little evaluation.

Honestly, I kinda hate doing this; it’s like marking a stupid test you created for yourself. But this year I am determined to fulfill what I have set for myself. I have always been bad in following through and closing “projects”, and I want to change. So… Why not, let’s revisit that damned list.

• To be really honest, I just hope to stay alive until midyear. I’ve learned that life is fragile, and I don’t want to put too much hope in it.
  

CHECKED. I’m alive, yay =)

• But till then, I wish for courage…

CHECKED. I think I have been doing fairly well. This half a year had been pretty crazy for me. And since the day I made this resolution, I had been tested so many times, facing a number of emotional horrors that tempted me to run away. But I am proud to say that I didn’t back out of anything no matter how scared I was. I think courage is not the absence of fear. It’s facing it and kicking its ass.

• To do things for myself and no one else.
  

This is harder than it sounds. We tend to do things for someone else. Or at least we claim so. Maybe because we are social beings. Or maybe… we are just not brave enough to bear the entire responsibility for our actions? The problem is, we always expect something in return from the people we claim we do things for, and most of the time, this leads to disappointment. I had been trying hard to stay true to this particular resolution. Albeit with great difficulties, I told and convinced myself repeatedly that whatever I do, I do it for myself. I am taking ownership. So…. CHECKED?

• To have determination to pursue my dreams.
  

CHECKED. I have struck off one of the items on my list: going to Mexico……… Now what?

As I mentioned in one of my love letters (this one is to “an ex“), dreams are made of the hope they bring. And the true meaning lies in the toil itself. Now that it’s been realized, I guess it’s normal to feel a little empty for a while. Then as time goes by, I will pursue another dream, another dream, and yet another dream. We just have to be hopeful, don’t we? =)

• To be sure of what I want.
  

Who can ever do this? I think no matter how sure we are, there’s always this little doubt lingers, especially when it comes to big decisions. But despite the doubts, I committed to what I have decided. At least I try to. Isn’t that what really matters?

• To uncover my motives as archeologists dig fossils: as intact as they can be.
  

Hufff… No. My heart is still something incomprehensible, even to myself. I may have found the fossils, but I have yet to identify their nature.

• To want something badly enough.
  

This is hard. Really really hard. There’s nothing in this world without any consequences. A gain for me translates to a sacrifice for another. To want something badly means we have to be ready to fight, to lie, to scheme, to hurt, and to kill; in short, to be the devil. And many of the times, I have too much conscience to be a jerk.

• To not be afraid to get hurt or disappointed.
  

Not checked. I am still very very afraid. And my pride (which, I think, is bigger than myself) always gets in the way. But I did let my guard down. Once. I said “fuck my pride”, making myself vulnerable. And I got hurt. I got disappointed. However, by doing that, I also opened a door for a new truth to reveal itself. A truth that my heart had been yearning to know. And fortunately, in my case, that revelation was truly beautiful. It filled some of my longings; it answered some of my doubts. It is kinda worthwhile.

• To find myself.
  

Well, I guess this is a journey of a lifetime =)

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So… 4 out of 9? Not too bad?