(Click the followings for Part 1 and Part 2.)

Nothing really changed since the last time I wrote about this. I still think marriage is overrated. I still don’t put too much trust in it. What’s different now is that I may get married next year. *gasp*

I received many different reactions when I told my friends about this. The majority congratulated me (I’m not sure what for, but thanks, I guess? ), two said they are heartbroken (Of course they don’t mean it. But I’m flattered, nonetheless ). But the worst best reaction so far is from my M*****n friend. Sir, I may be out of my mind, but I’m NOT pregnant! (At least not that I know of. Don’t tell me I took those damned morning after pills for nothing, hahahah…)

OK, so I’m not pregnant, I’m not afraid of being called an old maid despite of turning 27 last August, I don’t want kids yet, I don’t envy my married friends… Then what on earth makes me even think about entertaining such an abominable idea, practicing a cheap hypocrisy?

Mmm… I don’t know… Probably because I want my chance of becoming a philosopher? Hahahah… (Hint: Socrates advised us to get married. He said, “If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher“. A win-win situation, no? ) But let’s first keep my reasons aside for a more important issue here: the fact that I freak out. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not about whom I may marry. The problem lies with me. Because (I gladly admit that) I’m such an egoistic bitch, hahahah…

Well, there are many things that cause this bitch to turn cold feet, but all probably rooted from my own perspective about marriage. All this while, I was convinced that marriage doesn’t change anything. It won’t make you be more faithful to your partner; it won’t automatically improve your relationship… Nothing’s gonna change. If your relationship is hanging by a thread, marriage will leave it on that state, if not bring it down faster. Many people are just enchanted by its illusion of magic and romance. That’s, after all, why I think marriage is overrated. Because I was sure it’s only a sheet of paper. But now that I’m faced with the real thing, it turns out to be one fucking sheet of paper! A darned piece of paper that signifies your status change and forces you to move on to your next stage of life. And I’m not ready for it in so many ways.

First of all, seeing most of my married (and bride-to-be) friends makes me worry. Now that many of my girl friends fall in that category, wedding, marriage, and babies are the hottest topics for a girls’ night out. And I don’t really enjoy it. As you may have known, I’m not a girl who would fancy gowns, diamond rings, good wedding dates, or marriage proposals. In fact, the proposal business kinda ticked me off. I don’t understand why girls are so obsessed with engagement rings and their men going down on one knee. When asked whether my partner proposed and how, my answer is always “I’m not into that kind of shit”. And it’s true. What’s wrong with a simple mutual understanding? We are adults, for goodness sake. But yeah, it makes me a little sad how most catch-up sessions with the girls nowadays only had me end up wondering where the good old witty and intelligent conversations go…

If you think my worst nightmare is seeing brides-to-be and newlyweds, you’re wrong. It is actually seeing mommies. Why, I saw a lot of girls lost their identity once they have children. It seems that their whole world is now only about their kids. And it’s horrifying to see how they slowly give up their individuality. Up to the point where they even prefer to identify themselves as “XXX (their kid’s name)’s Mom” above anything else. And their hobbies become cooking and comparing their kids’ stats. Their purpose of life is to bake some stupid cake for some stupid events. Isn’t it scary how they pathetically lose themselves?

But witnessing all these, I feel not only annoyance or discontent. Deep down, I am actually scared. Knowing myself and my weaknesses, I am frightened that one day I will be like one of the girls I despise. The real reason why I get so bothered is because I’m afraid I will let myself get dragged into being somebody I don’t want to be. You may think I’m irrational. How can you be so insane to turn into somebody you hate, right? But I know better. With so much going on around you, it is not impossible to lose yourself and get lured into life you don’t really want. And I am very very afraid of that. After all, the bitch is a chicken, hehe…

To make matters worse for this chicken, the society where I live in has certain expectations for married people. Like I have implied earlier, after marriage, you are expected to start thinking about having your own family. I always love kids, but now I somehow dread the idea of having them. Again, it’s about my fucking ego. If you see the tag cloud on the bottom right corner of this blog, you may realize I have quite a number of posts tagged with “twisted thinking”. And I love seeing more and more entries going into that group. In short, I love myself now. I don’t want to change. The question is, can I afford staying like this if I am to raise a good kid? Can I still be a skeptic to my own religion? Can I still mock superficiality? Can I still wonder why I should care about another human being? I may have to start thinking like a normal person. And I fear that possibility. But most of all, I fear the possibility that if one day it does happen, I actually feel OK about myself changing. (I’m too complicated, aren’t I?)

Last but definitely not least, I freak out because of the classic feeling of no accomplishment. I have yet to get a book published under my name. I haven’t managed to get a single painting done. (The stupid hospital T-shirt design competition doesn’t count.) No violin mastered. No lives saved. No whatsoever world dominated. I haven’t even been to Frida Kahlo Museum, my one dream place. With none of those, what have I achieved? What impact have I made? None. Zilch. It’s sad, isn’t it? That’s why the idea of being led to the next stage of life to become real adult is terrifying for me… “And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because… I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.” (Before Sunrise)

——–
ps: Marriage will also get me confused. I really hate the word “hubby”. I can’t take it; it’s too cutesy and sickeningly girlie. “Husband” is too formal, “spouse” too general, and my favorite word “partner” now has gay connotation. What would I call that poor guy?

pps: I had a very hard time breaking this news of possible marriage to a certain friend. And I had been thinking why; what makes this person different. Now I figured. This friend is very dear to me, and we had talked about this topic previously and shared similar views. So telling this comrade I may get married is like confessing to some form of betrayal. But at the end, I did tell. Because I know it’s the right thing to do…

I’ve been questioning my spirituality lately. Many of you may have known that I’m officially a Catholic. But as a few have understood, if what I truly believe becomes the standard of Catholicism, the Church may not even survive another year I used to call my view skeptical oversimplified Christianity, but I never really explain what it means. The constant readers may have read “About God…” (Part 1, Part 2), but frankly those old posts do not cover much (other than me bitching around, hehe…). So let me now try to explain a few essentials, interview style

• Do you believe in God?

Yes, I do. In the sense, I believe there is one higher being that created the universe and everything in it. But on what form this ‘God’ takes, I have to admit I totally have no idea. Whether he takes a human form (some believe humans are God’s own image, literally) or  a great ball of fire, I’m not particularly interested. There are many more pressing questions about him other than what he looks like!

• Such as? On why he created men?
  

Yes. Well, this is a complex matter. I try hard to believe that God created men out of his love, like what most faithfuls would agree. And they say we humans cannot comprehend God’s love. They are right. I, for one, cannot understand the correlation between love and creation. Something has to exist first before you can love it, no? That’s why sometimes I am tempted to think that God created men because he has nothing else to do, hahah… He was alone at the beginning of time; it’s understandable that he felt bored. And when you are bored, you get creative! Anyway, it doesn’t matter why he created us, really. We’re here already, whether we like it or not.

• Why do bad things happen to good people? They seem to lead more turbulent lives.
  

Because God loves them! When you love your toys you play with them, don’t you? I don’t say we are God’s toys, but the same logic applies Hahah… No, seriously, I think it has something to do with human free will.

• What’s with human free will?

I believe humans are given free will, although I don’t object that only with God’s will things can happen. How is it possible? One thing about God to me is that he gives THAT much freedom to men that he let them run this world without much of his intervention. In other words, he is ALWAYS willing. Consequently, humans are responsible for their own doing and for what happen in their life. It’s time to grow up, people. You can’t always turn to God in despair and anger when life doesn’t give you lemons!

• Is there any afterlife?

Ah… The question of heaven and hell. This concept scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. My English course teacher back then was a hardcore Christian, and she showed us a story written by somebody who was supposed to have visited hell with Jesus and come back. (What a madness, right?) I assure you, I had many sleepless nights after I read that! I was very afraid that I would go to hell, and prayed hard Jesus would not be so kind to take me to a hellish tour! Wow, we’ll all be surprised by how many kids those religious fanatics have traumatized Anyway, I believe in some kind of afterlife, although not reincarnation. (Sorry, but the idea of past/future lives does not make sense to me. There is only one life on earth, here and now.) But honestly, I think we should not spend too much time thinking about afterlife. Too much heaven on your mind can do you no good. In fact, the world will be a much better place if people forget about heaven and just do good because it is good. Seriously.

• What’s your view on faith?
  

I despise blind faith. I strongly believe that God created humans with brain for a reason: for us to use it! Optimally! I think it’s wrong to do things just because you are told so. Many view faith as something unquestionable, but to me doubt is an inseparable part of faith. To truly have faith, you have to doubt first. You have to challenge your faith; constantly beat it with questions as far as your intelligence allows. If it still prevails, then it’s really yours. Faith without substance is very dangerous. At worst, it leads to extremism and bloodshed. At best, it is an opium people will turn to to escape their real problems.

• So what’s the essence of religion?
  

I believe love is the ultimate commandment all religions (should) preach. Love your neighbors, that is. It’s that simple. It’s that easy DIFFICULT. (That’s why I am very infuriated when people try to hinder love because of religious differences. What a nonsense.) Many people say they love God. To me, it sounds a bit strange. I think it’s safe to say that I have been in love before. And I know how difficult it is to really love a person. How can I claim that I LOVE God, whom I can’t see and touch, whose expectations of me are all high and noble, when in loving a human of flesh and blood I still sometimes fail? Love is not just a feeling. There is a huge responsibility attached to it. And how do you exactly love God other than loving his creations? Praying? Praising and worshiping? Maybe. But those things are just practices that can help you prepare yourself for your mission in the real world. Excessive amount of those is self indulgence and procrastination.

• Whew… You surely talk a lot. Even on unrelated topics too OK, last but not least, the ultimate question: what is the meaning of life?

This is probably why these days I can’t say confidently that I am still a Christian. Not even a skeptical and oversimplified one. Alright… I believe everyone has the right to decide their own purpose of life. There is a story about Kumbakarna from the Ramayana epic that illustrates my view pretty well. It is said that after Kumbakarna died, his soul cannot enter Heaven NOT because he fought for Alengka (and Rahwana, for that matter), but because he was unsure that he had done the right thing by defending his country despite of knowing its vices. Life is not black and white. Its meaning lies on fighting for what’s important to you, on walking the path you choose. You yourself have to know the significance of your existence. And if you stay true to what you believe and live it without fail, I think whatever waits at the end of your journey will be worthwhile.

———-
ps: So, what do all those make me? They are not  even close to Christianity, eh? Hmm… Probably I should just form a new religion. It’s a MASSIVE money maker! Hahahaha… *evil laugh*

I always find myself asking why. Why is human very complicated? Why is LIFE complicated? Why can’t I manage my expectations? Why can’t I have control over feelings? Why does it break my heart? Why does it make me sad? Why can’t I let go? Why why why…

Then I get frustrated for not being able to come out with a satisfying answer for each of my why. And I begin to ask why I think too much. There you go, a vicious circle.

If I just stop questioning the why and start asking how, probably life will become much easier. Dumb, but easy. My call.

I was reading my drafts in frustration (for not having the energy to write anything these days as well as for the previous post which, after I reread it for the tenth time or so, makes me sound like a fucking preacher) when I came upon this one: a list of lines a man can say to turn me on! Hahahah… I can’t remember what exactly made me do this; probably it was one of the ovulation days gone bad. But it is funny, and it does sum up what kind of guys I really like. So I think it is not too wrong to share it here and have some laugh

Disclaimer: You have to control your imagination when reading this. If you picture a pretty boy or a prince charming saying the lines, it wouldn’t work. For a guideline on the physical aspect of my kind of guys, please refer to THIS ENTRY.

First of all, I like guys who are decisive, taking control and direct. I am a dominating person by nature, so I would enjoy being dominated once in a while

• “I like you. There… I have to say it.”
• (when I want to pursue something worthwhile but it seems impossible) “Do you still want it? I’ll make it happen.”
• (when my relationship with him is unapproved) “You’re more than worth fighting for.”, and “If I can marry you at this instance, I will.”
• (when I am miserable) “I wouldn’t care if it’s other people. But it’s you.”

There probably are no guys that I despise more than womanizers and those who are fully aware of their good looks and show it in their actions (be careful boys, we can see it!). But when some kind of relationship between a man and me has been established, he is even more desirable if he is confident, witty and (to a certain extent) daring .

• “You like me. You can’t help it.”
• “Stop thinking about me!” (again, a man giving orders is rather irresistible )
• “What can go wrong between two people that like each other?”
• “It’s dangerous to get addicted to you.”
• “I’m sure I’ll be a good father.” (I’ll marry a guy for this line!)

Beauty is only skin deep. What inside a man is what define him. That’s why I like a thinker, someone who has his own view and isn’t afraid to speak it no matter how controversial it is. Naturally, I adore guys who can make me think. Intriguing men are sexy!

• “Do whatever it takes to be good with the other person without thinking about what’s going on or what will happen.”
• “There’s no age for romance.”
• (when I tell him not to disturb my peaceful life) “You’re still young, why do you want a peaceful life?”
• “You have all your life to learn.” (and I’ll answer, “Unless I die tomorrow.” )
• (about fighting for a greater cause) “We strive toward a larger goal. Our little lives don’t count at all.”
• (when I say I don”t want to be in politics because it is too dirty) “If everybody gives up being politicians, see our country! Only idiots become politicians!”

But don’t mistake me with someone who is all serious. I do love guys who have good sense of humor and can make fun of himself.

• “Natural is better. It’s scary to wake up staring at somebody that looks completely different from the day before when she’s with make up!”
• “Looking at photos depresses me. It reminds me that I’m not handsome!”
  

Last but not least, when a guy is shy and he says it, he just makes me want him more! Hahahah…

• “I’m shy.”

———-
And guess what is the sexiest song lyrics for me. Alice Cooper’s Poison: “I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name”!!! Ooo… Maybe I’m a little masochistic

If there is one thing certain in this world, my friends, it is that crisis will strike from time to time. I don’t know why the world is designed in such a way. If there is God, he surely has an odd sense of humor.

I stared at the newspaper in disbelief after reading an article about the killing flu sometime ago. Not because of the disease itself; it had caused so much buzz in my workplace that I had thought of it as a coffee companion. What saddened me is that it had infected at least two infants and had taken the life of one. I know that was nothing new. Everyday children are dying from any sorts of reasons you can think of. But isn’t it funny how a case or two sometimes strike us more than the others? And to me, it is even more interesting to see that how it is in this kind of situation human nature is truly revealed.

It was depressing that the news didn’t mention anything about how people sympathized with these victims or their family. No, nobody talked about how heartbreaking it was to lose innocent souls. What’s highlighted was how sad Edgar Hernandez’s mother felt because some people started condemning her son as if he was responsible for the calamity. It seemed people actually hated him for surviving the disease. I wasn’t very surprised, although there was some “what the fuck?” moment.

It always amazed me how people always choose the easy way out when faced with difficult situations. A new disease breaks out, and no, it doesn’t really matter how we should support each other to overcome the crisis. That can wait. Let’s FIRST find out who started this. Let’s blame somebody. Let’s curse the some people for spreading the virus. (No, we don’t care that they might be the first to contract the disease because they are too poor to have decent standard of living.) Why? Because it’s the easiest thing to do! We are too used to taking the easy way out in life that it has been part of our nature. Aren’t some of us focus so hard on our religion’s ritual only because the essence is just too damned hard to follow?

Well, I guess the recent crisis has unnecessarily distraught me more than it  really should. However, thanks to my unhealthy thinking habit, it also had taught me and made me reflect a lot. It made me look at certain things that might not even pass through my mind during normal circumstances. Such as how depressingly materialistic and apathetic human has become these days. In Mexico, a man cried, “It is easy to close the shop. But what shall we eat?”. Here on the brighter side of the earth, some men with full bellies enslave themselves for more money, ready to sacrifice even their humanity. And no, still no empathy for the less fortunate. I can’t see, my friends, why you’re not depressed.

Ah, if only the meek will really inherit the earth…

———
I know this is not a good entry. I myself hate some of what I wrote in those hideous paragraphs. And I actually have much more to share. But I have too many randomly related things on my mind and I am desperate to write something. On a lighter note, I have replenished my Corona supply =)

I always loved you. I still do. It’s true that I have left you for another, but truth be told, I even still remember that fateful day. It is still vivid in my mind like it only happened yesterday. That happy day. The day we fell in love.

When I first professed my love to you, people mocked me. “We don’t understand,” they said, “how possibly did you become like this? You will regret this. He’s got nothing for you. He is not even capable of loving you back. To him, you are and forever will be a stranger. A subject to use and throw away when no longer needed. He will only hurt you.”

But I persisted. I knew you had reasons for everything. You were angry, you were sad. You were disappointed and you couldn’t think straight. But I knew you would love me back, if only I showed you how my love was not like others’. I did not love you for what you could give me. I did not love you for what worldly happiness I may get. I love you because I don’t know how not to.

And we swam in the ocean of our love. A love so young, so wild; it knew no pretenses. It was raw, it was selfish. It was burning as fire, it was giving as water. It commanded our every way. But it was also so pure and innocent that even gods looked at us in envy. Such a love is dangerous, they said. I was young; I should go and see the world. I just laughed at them. I didn’t want the world. I wanted only you.

Perhaps it was gods; or perhaps it was fate that played a cruel trick on us. We had to be apart. I was heartbroken. (Weren’t you too?) But even in tears, I tried to be faithful. I kept your image dearly. I ignored everything else that came by. For four long years, only the thought of you made me want to go on. It made me want to survive.

They say people never change. But time did make you change. It made ME change. Our little brief encounters were not the same anymore. The romance faded, the flame dimmed. I tried to remind myself of all the things I loved about you, about those days. Those happy days. But as much as I wanted to deceive myself with those fond memories, you slowly walked away. You are not the same as the one I had always loved. I couldn’t find comfort in you. I couldn’t see myself in you. We were two silent lovers, eager to go but too sad to leave. So with tears I said goodbye.

…..

Now after some long years, I come back to you. I come without expectations, a mindless journey of a confused traveler.

You put on your best suit. Then with words as sweet as honey you entices me. With old time intimacy you seduces me. It is as if you can look through my weak heart. Isn’t it cruel of you, knowing that I’m now with someone new?

I take my time, I try to resist. But dear God, how can I neglect such beauty? Hesitantly I look around. I see how you aged. And what a magnificent view it is. Past glory and hope are racing, impatiently forming those fine lines above your brows. History and love stories are entwining, boasting a certain intricate display. I stare at it, I trace it. I was there, I realize. And whether I like it or not, it had been made permanent.

Then I see your kids. Naked, they swim and dance in your flowing river. They jump, they sing, they wave and they shout my name. They have almost nothing to eat and wear, but they have more joy than all money in the world can buy. They are children of the sun. They are children of the wind. They are free.

In the bliss, I breathe deeply, inhaling your air. It smells fresh, but I sense something decaying. It is a familiar taste: a hint of false warmth, a dose of vanity, and a large mixture of bigotry. I stop to find the source of these unpleasantries. Then I look at your people. Oh, what a great masquerade they play. Washing their lips with holy words, pretending it is devotion. Gods are mentioned in every conversation. Phony worships are offered, as if bribery makes sanctity. In all those things they hide their fear of heaven.

I laugh bitterly. I comprehend. This is the grown-up you. This is what grew in you after we are separated. This is what then defined you. The you that I hated and made me call it quits. So why is what I feel now sadness, not disgust?

I contemplate. I walk on your streets, I sleep in your forests. I talk to your river, I ask your leafy trees. I fondle your flowers, I befriend your land. I finally find my answer.

I love you because you make life seems so simple. You make me feel that what I have done and what I have struggled for means nothing more than just a speck of dust in this universe. This is probably what I need. To understand my existence. To have a reason. To be humble. And only you can teach me that. With your burden, your sorrow, your hope and dreams…

But now it is all too late. I am with someone else, and this time I have made a promise. A promise I can’t take back. A promise I will fulfill. I must return, and again must say goodbye. I know you won’t cry. For you know that you will always be in my heart. And our love is eternal.

———
A souvenir from the journey to the Southeast

One of the most pressing healthcare issues in Singapore is that to most Singaporeans it still seems costly. This is not surprising, judging from the size of medical bill one has to pay for a simple illness such as influenza. In private clinics, people easily spend an average of SGD40 for a common cold consultation fee and medicine. The figure will even rise exponentially when surgery and hospitalization come into the picture. While lower cost alternatives like government clinics are available, other external factors, such as limited availability combined with very high demands, sometimes limit the options when choosing preferred healthcare providers.

Is this a sign that the general perception of expensive Singapore healthcare is true? Not necessarily. Singapore, with its well acclaimed healthcare financing mechanism that emphasizes on individual responsibility as well as community support, has done a very good job in making healthcare accessible for most, if not all, Singapore citizens and permanent residents. Catastrophic situations, especially those related to healthcare financing, do hit hard because many still do not make the most benefits out of the existing system, whose primary objective is actually to help them reduce the strain on their finances when disasters happen. It is really unfortunate if some people cannot get proper medical treatment only because they never put healthcare matters as something important enough to take care of thoroughly.

There are several reasons why Singaporeans and permanent residents tend to procrastinate to get their healthcare financial plan set and done. To begin with, despite of various public campaigns, many still do not truly understand what is covered and what is not in their compulsory Medisave scheme. This lack of knowledge can give a false sense of security. One easily assumes that Medisave will be enough to cover most of the healthcare costs should the needs arise, while that is not the case. Applying for Medishield, not to mention other integrated plans, is never considered a vital necessity. Private medical insurance is deemed a luxury.

This condition is worsened by the fact that sufficient information is not that easy to access after all. Materials to help better understand the framework and guidelines on how to get optimum medical coverage are still not to be found at most public places. Many government and private websites offer detailed knowledge about this matter, but even internet savvies are expected to need further assistance to choose and proceed with the most suitable healthcare plan for their individual needs.

The ones who possess the most comprehensive information and are able to help Singapore residents to plan their healthcare finances are most probably private health insurance companies. But there is a slight problem with this. In general, people are still quite reluctant to approach insurance agents or companies. There is little trust that the financial institutions will place the clients’ interest ahead of their own. Moreover, many are dreaded with the possibility of facing hard selling, which can be an inconvenient and even traumatizing experience.

So here we can see that even though the government has done a very good job in encouraging people to help themselves make healthcare more inexpensive, there are still opportunities to improve on the situation. When we narrow down the scope to what healthcare institutions such as hospitals and clinics can contribute, I believe their active participation is crucial to support the government’s move to debunk the myth surrounding pricey healthcare.

To understand this further, let us first try to do a little analysis on human nature. It is a reasonable assumption that people will most likely think about their long term health issues when there are some health related matters happening on their lives. Whether they are going to a clinic for a simple cough treatment or visiting a friend who has just undergone a surgery in a hospital, people let the concept of how important a comprehensive health plan is sink in deeper when they are in healthcare premises. It is then they have time to think about whether they have done their best to stay healthy, or whether their current health insurance is enough to cover should any sudden severe illnesses strike. Wouldn’t it be very helpful if right at that instant they can get as much information and help needed to take the next necessary steps without further delay?

There are at least two ways for healthcare institutions to take advantage of this phenomenon and assume an active role in helping the people help themselves: through education and facilitation.

Educating Singaporeans and permanent residents on how Singapore healthcare system works and the options they have to better manage their finances is essential to get them make healthcare more affordable for themselves in the long run. This can be done through an advertising campaign. If placed in the right locations, such as on a clinic waiting room, simple educational printed media like posters and leaflets are proven quite effective. A video presentation flashing on the TV screen can also be considered as a more direct approach. While waiting for their names to be called, patients will have an opportunity to make use of the time elapsed to catch some information-packed promotional materials.

On the other hand, facilitation here means making the help people need conveniently available. For instance, to promote better understanding for various products that can help Singaporeans and permanent residents in the case of major illnesses, hospitals can collaborate with healthcare insurance companies to set up an information center in the lobbies. Healthcare officers that are well versed in Singapore healthcare system and equipped with good knowledge on different products offered by a range of insurance companies can be made available there to give real time assistance to patients as well as their family and friends. This kind of program will have a higher success rate, because healthcare officers and institutions are seen as a more neutral party. People will have less resistance to come, talk, and dig necessary information from them.

Above are only two of the many things we can do to make Singaporeans capable of helping themselves using the available structure and resources. I am sure more ideas can be brainstormed and put into action. The main goal is to show and convince people that healthcare in Singapore is truly accessible and affordable for everyone, if only they know how to make the most of the system. Indeed, it is ultimately individuals’ responsibility to take care of their own health and finances. However, there are no reasons why we cannot help, making Singapore an even better place to live.

I watched the movie Before Sunset this afternoon. The film touched me so much that I felt writing down what’s on my mind is somewhat an obligation. And since Uncle Stevie advised that one of the Great Commandments of becoming a good writer is to practice it, I figured this short and impulsive entry would do no harm.

I like to talk. If you know me well, I’m that kind of person who always feels the need to come out with something to say during a nice lunch gathering or even a supposedly quiet dinner at home. I don’t have much trouble talking to new people either. Being in a large (figuratively, not literally) melting pot, for example, I can always throw in a “Oh, I’ve never met a Srilankan (or Bruneian, or Pakistani, you choose) before” whenever I meet a stranger. (In fact that’s exactly what I said when I met a male nurse on the bus from Gleneagles hospital sometime last week!) The conversation can go from there. Why, in my humble home country small talks are like oxygen; you can’t live without them.

This makes me wonder, though. If I am that good in talking to people, why was communication a factor causing my previous relationship to fail? Sorry, I was lying. It didn’t really make me wonder. It’s easy. Because I can’t stand talking crap. Ooo, that sounds harsh… But it’s true. One or two occasions talking about how dreadful your roommate’s hygiene is is fine, but continuously? You better find a cleaning lady as a girlfriend, mister.

Of course one’s poison is another’s medicine. Many girls, for instance, would be more than joyful to listen to their boyfriends talking about the details on how the glorious volleyball game went, how they scored most for the team, or how difficult the final exams were, and how proud they are to get A for all of them. Many girls would gladly cheer “Oh, that’s so cool… You are the best!”, but that’s certainly not me. For one thing, I can’t respect people who glorify educational transcripts. Secondly, all the details about such trivial matters such as a sport game bore me to death. If only they say, “The game went well, we won. But you know, sometimes I wonder why we focus so much on winning. If people just try to concentrate a little more on the process, not the outcome, I think the world would not be in such a mess.” I can guarantee they will not sleep on the couch that night.

So you get the clue. To many, my ideas of stimulating conversations will seem absurd or even pointless. “Why the heck does this girl have to go on and on about whether or not humans are really granted free will? Does it help to pay the bill? Come on girl, just tell me how your day was like any normal people or just shut the fuck up.” Hahah… I can imagine some guys really had those lines in their mind when they talked to me. And guess what, I’m not sad at all. Because I have found one or two that find my traits entertaining. Probably this is what they meant by connection. Or chemistry.

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ps: If you have no idea what’s the relevance of Before Sunset to this yak, go watch it!
pss: To my beloved Raine, I have to apologize for degrading Before Sunrise in one of my comments before (if you remember). It IS a nice and believable movie

Yes, I’m taking advantage of the university-student-committing-suicide-after-stabbing-his-professor hype to do some writing practice. It has been quite a topic for these past few days, and it has caused such a commotion in Singapore, my humble home country, probably the whole Asia. But I’m not really interested in talking about the details of the tragedy or the series of events leading to this boy’s bad decision. I’m more intrigued to speculate about the bigger picture, about how his mental state was conditioned by, maybe more than he himself knew, things far greater and older than the 200-hectare campus.

When I heard the news, the first thing that came into mind is the memories I had about that place (yes, I am an alumna). Academically, it was probably the worst four years of my life. Everything seemed wrong then. The curriculum was impossible, the pace was too fast, the lecturers had too poor of spoken English… It was a cold place. I didn’t feel any connection or even the slightest sense of belonging to the alma mater, and I didn’t see any effort from the school to fix this either. To make it worse, I studied engineering, which was not really of my interest. If those four years had taught me anything, it was to NEVER overestimate yourself by doing something you can’t have passion for. It was torturing. Really, if not because of the amazing friends I made and the activities I joined, I would probably be depressed too. And while I might not make it to the front page news like the boy did, I would most certainly do something stupid that could bring shame to either myself or my family.

The next thing that stirred my mind about this incident was how it much reminds me of the film Dead Poets Society. Why did Neil Perry kill himself? Many may think it was insanity. But if we try to follow his way of thinking, it’s actually not so hard to understand. You’ll be surprised how the idea of suicide has now and then fascinated many more, including yours truly. When you are young and full of ideals, Thoreau’s quote “To put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I had come to die, discover that I had not lived.” might be very easily misinterpreted as to might just as well die when you discover you can’t really live anymore. Or even worse: let’s end life when it is truly life, for what come afterwards are no more than death. Does it make sense? If it doesn’t, does it at least kinda make you wonder why the twisted thinking?

In fact, the idea of sacrificing one’s life for “greater good” (bear in mind that this term is very very subjective) is not new at all. People have long been obsessed with martyrdom. Remember how Greek heroes always chose glory over wealth and long life? (Only that dumb Paris chose a woman instead ) That’s the start. Who knows what thousands of years can do for an idea to get internalized, in both good and bad ways. But seeing how human race, with all its exponentially increasing materialistic standards and expectations, had made the world become more and more difficult to live in, it’s practically easy to twist any good ideas into something uglier. After all, people always prefer an easy way out.

Eric Idle said we always have to look on the bright side of life. Well, if you apply the same mentality to view the tragic episode of the university killing, it is indeed not so bad after all. It was like a wake up call. Now more than ever, the public was made realized that what had been practiced all this while behind the gates of educational institutions is far from perfect. Structured support systems were then created, discussions were engaged, and most importantly, everybody is trying to reflect on what happened and efforts to prevent such thing from happening again have become priority. Isn’t it as if the poor young man died as a… martyr?

I’m not at all saying what happened is, although not shocking, tolerable. Whatever the excuses, life is too precious to be thrown away. No matter how I sometimes regret to spend four years of my youth studying things that I couldn’t care less, I’m still grateful I could go through it alive. Because the powerful play goes on and I may contribute a verse. It’s true that the world is becoming more and more hostile. It’s true that living a worthful life seems like a foolish dream. But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It’s not yet time for us to give up hope. My advice is, as worthless as it is, try to be a little masochistic. Then you’ll find that life is sweet

There is an interesting phenomenon in the virtual world I observed these days. As somebody who counts on technology to keep in touch with her old mates but not geeky enough to keep up with it and be the pioneer in inventing new ways, I check my Facebook at least once a day. Lately, unusually high “Note” posts bombarded my News Feed. Apparently a LOT of my friends wrote similar notes to what I have written before, a supposedly “25 random things about myself“.

This is quite amazing to me. Not only because I’m a rather constant hungry reader and always love to read about people, but also because I never knew these people have such talent. Some of the stuffs I read were really good that I found myself amused reading them to the end. It seemed as if a lot of promising writers suddenly emerged, when I’m pretty convinced some of them have never written anything before, maybe except project reports. And as a big time nerd, while the trend made me happy, it also forced me to think WHY.

These are some of what I have in mind:

• People love to talk about themselves. There is always a narcissistic side of us. We are fond of attention, we take pleasure from recalling and retelling stories about ourselves. And guess what. People LOVE controversy. That’s why we write 1 or 2 things about what others least expected from us. (Yeap, that includes me )
• Writing random things is easier than creating a composition that has to have a start, an end, and a plot. It tends to be more fun too, for both the writer and the reader, because of the freshness and variety it offers. Unfortunately, writing this kind of stuff can’t really make money, unless you are already a big shot.
  
• To produce a good article/story, we have to believe in whatever we write, even when it is the most ridiculous thing we have ever come up with. That’s why we are much better when writing about ourselves. Because it is believable.
• What makes a good writer? Talent may be one, but it has been proven wrong in many occasions. And as Edison said, genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. It all comes down to hard work and commitment. So for those of you aspiring to be a writer, it may not be impossible after all. Just start.
  

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ps: Yeah, I write this more for myself than anyone else